Shiny and Oh So Bright Volume 1: No Past. No Future. No Sun. – Smashing Pumpkins | Dull & Oh So Docile | Album Review (Warning: NSFW!)

Shiny and Oh So Bright Volume 1: No Past. No Future. No Sun. - Smashing Pumpkins | Source: Official Album Artwork 2018

Editor’s Disclaimer:

All opinions expressed in this review are that of it’s Author and do not represent In Key Magazine as a whole.

Please be advised for the gratuitous use of very strong language and adult themes, that some may find offensive, right from the very start.

One of the many things I say about writing for reviews for albums, that will eventually come out in my hard back manifesto titled ‘The Drunken Warblings Of A Git – How To Conquer Hadlow And Install A Dictatorship In Hildenborough – No Love. No Money. No Milk‘ is that to write a review of a bad album is easy, to write a review of a good album is tricky, but to write a review of an album that fits neatly in-between is a f***ing nightmare.

This is where I find myself with today’s review, a band that don’t really need an introduction but I’m pretty sure if I don’t, the internet is going to sneak into my bedroom and steal all my rum and socks, before kissing me tenderly on the neck as I quiver, whilst the moonlight catches a silhouette of a long quivering phallus my cousin Bertie used to penetra- anyway here’s Smashing Pumpkins!

How can I describe Smashing Pumpkins? Smashing Pumpkins are fronted by a ****, no seriously, that’s the best way I can describe them or at least its singer, the incessant, nasally, self important and sometimes wrestling promoter, Billy Corgan, a **** who sounds and looks like a quivering phallus, who loves to give albums really f***ing long titles to presumably f**k up anyone with carpel tunnel syndrome – two can play that game Corgan!

And while we’re here, I’m going to see how many times I can put the word ‘****’ in this review, because f**k it, let’s give the **** of an Editor of In Key a heart attack (By now Nicholas, I have just grown hardened to your disgusting commentary and insult! – Not Angry, Just Disappointed Editor).

In the early 1990’s Smashing ****kins were somewhat hailed as a pioneers to the alternative movement, presumably because Foo Fighters weren’t around to take that throne to dizzying new heights, they released a few albums that could be considered classics in the same circles, then the original line-up imploded in 2000 due to Corgan’s inflated ego or in more simpler terms, he was being a ****.

Corgan carried on the Smashing Pumpkins brand releasing one snooze fest after another and fans has since clamoured for the original line up to return. Now fans have gotten what they asked for, the original Smashing Pumpkins line-up, minus bassist D’arcy Wretzky for… Reasons, neither Corgan or Wretzky are spilling their secrets out just yet, but if Corgan wills it, I would pay good money to see them fight in a wrestling ring. It’s probably the only time Corgan could get away with being a **** and be praised for being said ****!

However, with three quarters of the original line-up back and a new album has sailed into view like a freshly washed cunt in a spring’s morning, does it bring The ****ing Bumpkins back to their former glory? Well if you’re one of those **** that feel nostalgia kicks are your thing, then run to the shops and buy this album, for everyone else it’s an album stuck in the past.

The album kicks off with ‘Kings of Malta’ and when I say “kicks off” it has the same amount of kick as an asthmatic eighty year old **** with some form of chronic lung condition taking a penalty shot. It’s an apathetic sigh of a song and doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination; a worrying sign when the whole point of a first track is meant to get us ***** hooked to the rest of the album. The first three tracks are pretty standard if you’ve listened to a Pumpkins album before, which sadly I have and furthermore shines a light to just how dull this band really were and why Billy Corgan was such a ***** song writer.

I don’t quite know how to describe these songs, ‘Silvery Sometimes (Ghosts)’ is pretty much a rehash of ‘1979’ that is painful to compare and believe me, I loathe that song with a passion, whereas ‘Travels’ is just a song every **** – sorry, that should be ‘cult’ Indie band in the past twenty years has done as the standard radio friendly unit shifter. Play this song to me and tell me it’s a Kings of Leon or a Biffy Clyro song and I would probably believe you, if it wasn’t for those distinct cat **** screeching vocals Corgan possesses.

Just in case you didn’t quite get my personal opinion of how he sounds in my ears, he sounds like a ****.

Thankfully just before I had resorted to getting a kick out of my on and off again meth habit, things got a little more interesting with its fourth track ‘Solara’ easily the heaviest track on the album, I could have forgiven the first three tracks if this was the opener. A throwback to such heavier classics such as ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ this track shows off the original Pumpkins during better days, y’know, the days before Billy Corgan was shown up as more of a **** than Courtney Love, only Courtney Love has an excuse, (Nick, see me after class, I have taken out your given excuse for being utter filth! – Shaking Head And Tutting Editor).

You would have thought this could have been the turning point this album needed, but no, old habits die hard and ‘Alienation’ shows more of the dreary **** dross this album has been offering since it’s offset.

Here we find the problem with ‘Shiny ****’ while there is a lot of moments that will make original Pumpkins fans revel in 1990’s nostalgia with glee, it doesn’t serve up anything new or show why The Cunnilingus ****kins were a musical force to be reckoned with. As previously mentioned – this literally could be any other band that see Pumpkins as an influence and I would not be able to tell the difference. Eight tracks of just ideas thrown at the wall to see what sticks like (Once more, I’ll take that out for being beyond filthy! Might I advise washing your mouth and mind out with soap Nicholas – Worn Down Editor), it is all easily forgettable that by time the last track ‘Seek and You Shall Destroy’ came about, I completely forgot what I was reviewing.

Once again, we have reached a precipice where I have to remind all of you *****, there are so many ways I can creatively call an album ‘boring’ though there were a few tracks I was pleasantly surprised over… Ok… One track I was pleasantly surprised over, ‘Shiny and Oh So Bright Volume 1’ (oh yes, there’s more of this ***** s**t to come) is just another album of dullard ****ish coffee shop Hipster sewage that is infecting the music community as it is.

Quivering penile **** Corgan still sounds like I should give him a crate of cold medication, the instruments sound hungover and could probably send me to sleep quicker than the meds I take to help me combat insomnia, everything else in between is uninspired Rock music that just doesn’t stick out or gives you any reason why you should listen to this album or any Smashing Pumpkins album for that matter. Old school fans of The Smashing Pumpkins will find some solace to the ‘original line-up‘ coming back, but rather than come back with a bang, it was more a whimper. Here’s to the boring Volume 2 and the Viking funeral of my brain cells when that comes out.

The world is indeed a vampire and it’s front-man just happens to be a complete… (You can probably fill that one in for yourself by now. Sorry to everyone who has made it to the end of this filth – Editor Considering Resignation).

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