Head Above Water – Avril Lavigne | Torture Porn! | Album Review

Avril Lavigne | Source: Official Facebook Page

Let me take you back to the not so distant past dear reader, to the time I met my first vocal critic. You see, I understand my review style is a little unorthodox. I can be very brash, a little ‘non-PC’ but I do try to back up what I say. In this modern age there are a lot of f***ing b*****s of the whiny variety. People who read your reviews and think you’re about to threaten physical pain to their favourite artists, just because you didn’t like an album. Trust me the only person I threaten physical pain too, is the Editor of In Key when we frequent our local S&M dungeon ‘The Horse’s C**k‘ (Nick, I don’t know who you’re taking to this place, but it sure isn’t me! – Very Sexy Editor).

Anyway there’s a point to this story. This vocal critic essentially accused me of s****ing on his favourite band and not have much to back it up on. I found the ‘insult’ profound (if not laughable) as I did back up my ramblings! I type out 800 – 1200 words a review, how can you not back it up?! It would be a f***ing talent if I was able to type so many words describing an album as ‘s**t’ and not explain why?! Anyway to this vocal critic, I dedicate this review to you. Mainly because if you thought I s**t on your favourite band, there is not enough s**t in my German S******e P***o movie collection to get through what I need to say about this s**t show of an album.

Also if you’re reading this review and you are purposely looking for a reason to get wound up, go out, enjoy a coffee or something, Christ!

One of the great mysteries of music along with how Elvis actually died or just how Kurt Cobain managed to blow his head off with a twelve gauge shotgun, is just how the f**k Avril Lavigne ever became successful? Her cute Canadian Pop-Punk was horrendous right off the bat! Songs not even Green Day could s**t out on a bad night on drugs. She became the talk of the music town for a while, mocking Rock music along the way. 2002 was a f***ing dark time and she contributed to those dark times. Her personal life then eclipsed her music, with her marriages to Sum 41’s Derek Whibley and Nickleback’s Chad Kroger, all the while pumping out more forgettable albums, each of which became more s****ingly annoying than the last.

Now it’s 2019, the old guard twenty years ago such as Tool, Rammstein and Limp Bizkit are all primed to make comebacks and while that’s all well and good, that also means the smegma encrusted revivals want to make a quick cash in. Bands such as Alien Ant Farm, Puddle of Mudd and Avril Lavigne all wanting us to remember their merciful brief moments in the spotlight and here we are, her 6th album of fucking depressing acoustic ballads that had no place in 2002 and as sure as shit have no place in 2019.

The album starts off with one hell of a whimper ‘Head Above Water‘  with it’s classical style piano, strings and that sinking feeling you get where you would be rather be listening to an Evanescence album. The first four tracks on this album are just depressing. Note this however, when I say depressing, I say that because there is literally nothing redeemable on this album. Just paint by number break up songs, where everything feels just phoned in and has zero emotion, ‘Birdie‘ is that typical song of a songstress that wants to break her rusty cage, whereas ‘I Fell In Love With The Devil‘ is just all about temptation and falling in love with a “no good f**k boy“.

There is one ONE turnaround with this album and I hate to admit this and it makes me angry admitting that this was an album highlight, but ‘Dumb Blonde‘ a song featuring Nicki Minaj was actually pretty catchy. It’s abundantly clear that someone from Lavigne’s entourage saw this as an idea to keep her ‘down with the kids’ stay in the eye of the mainstream and hopefully, make this song the successful single. It’s a f***ing transparent and cynical ploy, but at least it broke the sheer abject misery collection of supermarket songs. My hat goes off to any shelf stacker that is sadly going to endure these songs on an eight hour shift.

After that song, the album just goes back to what it was, by time track ten’s ‘Bigger Wow‘ came about, I closed my eyes, pretended I was a captured spy screaming “PLEASE F***ING STOP! I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE INFORMATION YOU WANT!”

I can’t exactly recommend this album to anyone! If you feel this is an album to give to your child, don’t! Pop music has evolved (thank f**k) and anyone old enough to remember ‘Sk8ter Boi‘, I would like to think has moved on from this spewing drivel, even if you are wearing onesies of your favourite Pokemon down the f***ing pub. ‘Head Above Water’ shows why certain musical acts from almost twenty years ago should not be revived. From it’s dreary predictable lyrics, to it’s mind numbing back up music, that is set to be the backdrop of any American teen movie or drama and the small fact that it got me to enjoy something with Nicki f***ing Minaj in it.

The only other way I can sum up this album is by saying:

No no no no no no no no no no no. No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no.  No no no no no no no no no no no!

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